So...Lurkin and bloggin around, me encontre con un post de lo mas profundo y con mensaje via el blog Hipster Run Off que me hizo pensar bastante y ponerme dos dos paranoico. Aqui esta practicamente todo el texto (edite unos pedazos que no muy venian a topico), si esta bastante largo y la mamada, pero leanlo que esta igualmente interesante, ah y tambien esta en ingles, por que no mamen que lo iba a traducir:
"I feel like I have always considered myself to be ’sort of special’, not just because of supportive parents, but also because of my psychological fortitude. I feel like I ‘understand’ the way the world/people work as a system, and I always feel like I am able to make good decisions. I don’t think that I have ever really had a ‘legitimate challenge’ in my life, but I feel like I have simulated enough ‘real challenges’ to pretty much ‘get through any thing.’
Finding a job was difficult. I went to ten to twenty interviews. I always felt like the person interviewing me was ‘a fucking faggot’ who didn’t really ‘get’ what life was all about. But I understood that entering into this mainstream workforce would make my life better. Even though I have an alternative perspective on the world, it always seemed like a lost cause to try to be alternative forever.
Eventually, some sort of biological clock would make me want a nice wife, a beautiful set of kids, and a house that I could call my own. But as I sat across the table being interviewed by some one who had this life, I felt like throwing up. I looked back at my youth spent ‘not caring about anything but still achieving what I perceived to mean success’ and felt sort of ‘crippled.’
Basically, I was ‘just some little fuckface with a college degree’ who ‘felt entitled to a job’ that he probably ‘didn’t deserve.’ I feel like people without degrees have a big advantage because they just get to talk about how they were able to ‘rise above’ and they ‘genuinely care’ about whatever they are doing, because they’ve had to work ‘extra hard’ to educate themselves.
But maybe that’s why they didn’t hire me. Maybe they could tell that I didn’t want to work in ’some shitty office building’ for the rest of my life, making small talk with ‘a bunch of fuckhead’ coworkers. Maybe they could tell that I knew that I was ‘better than them’ in every possible way. Maybe they knew I would fail at assimilating into their reality because my sense of reality had nothing to do with theirs.
By my last few interviews, I became better at ’seeming normal’ and ‘making it seem like I cared’, even though I cared less than ever after being unemployed for 6 months. I was just resigned, and I tried to change my mindset. The guy who hired me was some sort of Christian-ish bro. I think he saw me as some sort of charity case that he could ‘fix’ and ‘mentor.’ He was dumb enough to hire me even though I was probably under-qualified and probably wouldn’t fit in with their ‘organizational culture.’
I started my job. The first several months at my job were pretty ‘retarded.’ I was the youngest person in my office, and every one else had kids, ‘real lives’, mortgage payments, and ‘real shit/problems like that.’ Only some people had ‘gone to college’ so some people ‘resented me’ even though they were probably better at their jobs than I was. Just tried to stay quiet, learning how to ’survive’ in this new life of mine. Trying to understand ‘the common man’, and try to teach myself how to become ‘just another faggot in the wall.’ Swallow my ‘pride’ and trying to forget the ‘perspectives on life’ that had become
Every day I drove to my job, and it felt ‘not very real.’ I felt sort of like it was some sort of extended summer program for ‘gifted and talented kids’, except I was theoretically supposed to grow within this organization, adding more value as I garnered more skills. I sort of just pretended that I was ’still training’ and ‘asked questions’ sometimes to make myself seem interested.
However, I think that there was something ‘awkward’ about me with these ‘real people.’ A group of men and women could be having a conversation about a local sports team that was doing well/doing poorly. I am a well-informed young person who consumes tons of content on the internet, as opposed to getting my information from antiquated sources like newspapers and local news.
I feel like I have developed more thorough opinions on virtually every topic that could be ‘water cooler conversation.’ It seemed as though my contributions to conversations on sports, politics, local and international issues didn’t seem to ‘mean anything.’ Every one was just sort of silent, nodded their head,and moved on with the conversation.
I added no value to an organization as an employee, and it was difficult for other employees to establish a ‘real relationship’ with me as ‘a human’ because we didn’t have similar backgrounds.
I think my biggest insecurities were ‘looking like I didn’t know how to do something’, so I would just sort of pretend to know how, and instead of actually ‘learning how’, I would put in extra effort to ‘pretend’ to save my image. Eventually, this probably ‘caught up with me.’ I felt less special than ever, and felt like maybe I couldn’t do anything. I was glad that I had a salary that enabled me to buy shit and distract me from ‘thinking about it too much.’
Eventually, I feel like they were ‘weeding me out.’ I had stopped going to lunch with any body else, not just because I couldn’t stand the ‘fucking disgusting’ places regularpeople eat out at on a regular basis, but just because I felt like ‘a prisoner.’ Theoretically, I had tried to fit in. I had developed a character that SHOULD HAVE fit in, but I guess I wasn’t ‘human’ enough to do it.
No one liked me, and that might have ‘hurt more than I realized’ even though I had no respect for any one that I worked with. I feel like that made me feel human. I wish I could have just gotten really vulnerable with them or something, but I feel like ‘getting vulnerable’ requires some sort of mental competence/consciousness that most ‘mainstream old people’ aren’t capable of achieving.
It was as if there is this other form of ‘authenticity’ that I didn’t even know about that has nothing to do with the arts. Since I had acted like ‘a spoiled little ass hole’ for a month or two, I had sort of lost connections with my boss/my coworkers/every one, and I sort of felt like they were ‘out to get me.’ I started getting to work late, and leaving early, and probably ‘looking like a piece of shit.’ It was sort of funnie, but I think the ‘bad attitudes’ that were able to get me through non-real-life were creeping back into my head. Maybe they are right, yall. Maybe ppl ‘don’t change.’
I have not fit in with their culture, and I have done very little to improve myself as an employee. I don’t think I ever will, but I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. I feel as if they should just ‘continue to pay me’ as long as I sort of ‘pretend’ that I am interested in ‘growing.’ Just don’t really believe in ‘personal growth’ and especially ‘vocational growth.’ I feel like I will become less competent as I age, and I should be expected to do less.
Feel like I am sort of just ‘floating.’ I feel too lazy to ‘make my life better’, but I still feel like I will some how ‘get rich’ or at least ‘find happiness by making a career change.’
I sort of wish my parents were ‘richer’ and ‘less supportive in a way that makes you feel like you can do anything’ so that I could have just sort of coasted, then let them use their connections to get me a job that I couldn’t lose. I sort of wish I was just going to ‘inherit a shit load of money’ so I would just have to find a way to stay alive for 20-30 more years.
I feel like there is ’something wrong with me.’ I feel like my ‘alt’ perspectives mighthave crippled me foreverBut I also know that I will probably ‘fucking kill myself’ if I turn into my coworkers. I feel like my ‘globalperspectives’ and the required 2-year core courses at my university made me ‘know too much’ about life, and possibly enabled me to think that ‘nothing matters.’
I feel worried. I feel like there is a ‘real world’ that I have always told myself that I will be able to transcend, but it might have just been a gimmick. My window of opportunity is closing. I have found a way to ‘be strong’, but I think this just sort of ‘made everything worse.’
I just want to live a meaningful life without feeling like ‘every one else.’
I deserve more than I have.
I am entitled to a fulfilling career.
I am entitled to a fulfilling life, even if I ‘don’t take things seriously.’
I wish people could just ‘chill’ and give every1 like $55K/year,
and we could all just sort of ‘be happy’ and ‘buy some cool shit.’
I feel like I shouldn’t have to work.
I feel scared.
Feel like I’ve been lied to/might have been lying to myself based upon lies other
people told me.
I think I am ‘too smart’ to achieve mainstream success and feel ‘happie’/’special’ about it. I think I need ‘Christianity’ or something. I think I need to ‘have a kid’ to help me ‘re-evaluate’ what I value in life/tell me that there is a reason to ‘better myself’ at a career/job in hopes of ‘making more money.’
Feel like living in the woods, then sending an email to my entire office telling every1 that they are ‘fucking faggots’ or something like that. Not sure if I want to give up my salary and company blackberry, though. Conflicted."
So....que piensa Muereblogosfera de este topico?..Me tome la mamadisima libertad de pegar tanto puta texto por que minetras lo leia pense que mas de uno aqui se puede reflejar en mas de un aspecto. Almenos yo si, y si me desperto cierto temor de no poder encajar nunca en la fuerza de trabajo "real", digo mas de una vez me he visto en situaciones rodeado de personas que me hacen pensar "WTF!, como me meti aqui?".
Y ojo, no se trata de pensar que esa gente son unos imbeciles o algo parecido, puesto que cada quien es producto de su background y esta perfectamente en libertad de ser como le salga de las balls, si no de esa sensación de no encajar a pesar de no tener absolutamente nada en contra de la gente e incluso querer encontrar alguna afinidad.
Y bien?..
xPablox
